"I'll get you there in time, I promise." Those were the last words I said to my son.
And I regret them.
Sitting on the floor, I cradled my son's cold body in my arms with my tears running down. All I could think was that I regret the day I chose his father. Because if I didn't, Jordan wouldn't be dead in my arms a few hours after he was supposed to take his SAT exams.
My story begins 24 hours ago.
# # #
"Jordan, you need to rest." I walked into my son's room with a warm glass of milk and some cookies.
He looked at the plate with hunger in his eyes but shook his head. "No. I need to make Dad proud."
I tried to hide my frown for my son's sake. It was my fault that his father never truly liked him. Jordan’s birth defect also made it hard for Daniel to even consider anything Jordan did as good enough. My husband was a perfectionist and he always considered his son a mistake. A constant reminder of a night gone wrong on his path.
"Dad will be proud." I dropped the cookies on his desk and stroked his thick black hair.
"I don't just want his secretary to write me a new check. I want to see his smile. I want him to hold my hand and say, well done son."
"I will." Daniel speaking behind me caused me to drop the glass of milk.
"Mum." Jordan rose, coming to my feet to help.
But his father stepped in and stared at me with a condescending look. "The least you can do is learn how to hold a cup properly."
I did not say a word as I picked the shards, ignoring the blood flowing from a cut on my leg.
Daniel focused on Jordan as he continued, "Son, you must get into Winchester College. Your great grandfather---"
"And my grandfather and you went to Winchester College and it is the pride of all Valente family. The starting point to launch is into a career where all mortal men look at us like perfect gods." Jordan recounted what my husband had drilled into his ears since he was born.
I expected Daniel to smile and at least show some approval form Daniel’s efforts but all he did was make a gruff disapproving sound at the back of his throat.
"You understand my expectations for you are high. Even more important, you have to make it on your first trial. No Valente has ever repeated."
"Yes father." Jordan nodded and faced his book, trying to hide his displeasure.
The last time he had shown how he really felt, Daniel had smacked him across the face. It was the cause of one of our many big fights. We tried harder now to keep it from Jordan.
"You can leave now so he can study." I tried to usher Daniel towards the door because Jordan wouldn't dare eat while his father was here and my poor son was already as pale and thin as one could be.
"Son, tomorrow I'll drive you to the SAT centre. We leave by 5:30. Don't be late."
Jordan’s eyes widened.
It was the first time Daniel had ever offered to drive Jordan. It would be the first time Jordan would be in his father’s car. Even I couldn’t hold back my surprise.
“Really, honey?”
“Yes.” Daniel did not keep the coldness from his voice as he regarded me. “My son’s success is the most important thing to me.”
# # #
By 6:00am I was still waiting by Daniel's car with folded arms. He took his sweet time to arrive, leaving me and my son out in the cold while he enjoyed some breakfast.
"I thought you wanted us to get there on time?" I demanded.
"Mom?" Jordan cautioned.
He already made me promise not to fight Daniel but how could I not? Left to me, Jordan would still be in bed sleeping and I wouldn't wake him till 7am. He would wake up to a hug, hot food, prayers and an already packed bag. But Daniel had offered to drive and Jordan would never refuse.
Daniel got into the car with Jordan reading beside him on the passenger side. I wanted to get into the back of the car but Daniel locked the door.
"What?" I lifted Jordan’s bag so he would see how stupid he was being. “I’m with his bag.”
"Drop it. You can't come with us."
Chapter 2"Why?"
"Because—"
"Dad, please, let mum come. She can bring me back after the exam."
“She can drive her own car.”
“Will you stay with him before he gets into the hall?”
I and Daniel engaged in a pointed stare battle. He didn't want my company and I didn't enjoy his but I stayed because of my son. I could not imagine a life without my Jordan.
"He will also need someone to help him after such a tasking exam." I held the car door handle.
Daniel turned away from me, muttering under his breath but I heard it. "Valente’s are stronger than this. They don't need to be tethered to their mothers."
My husband was a hypocrite. He was his mother's only child and he did everything she asked. He never questioned what she said or did even when she was blatantly wrong. I wasn’t that lucky with Jordan. His father’s approval was more important than air.
Daniel unlocked the car. He did not wait for me to be properly seated in the car before he started to drive.
I slammed the door shut just before it hit out iron-wrought gate. "Careful."
"Ssh. Jordan is reading."
I was quiet for a while until I noticed my husband was not driving through the main road. Instead, he took the tarred long path that winded through several parks in town. "Why are you taking this route?"
"It's away from the noise and traffic. Jordan can study better."
I tried to find Daniel's eyes through the mirror in front of the car. "It will take us longer to get to the centre."
"More time for him to read."
I wanted to claim that Jordan needed to rest but Daniel gave me a sharp look through the mirror, then turned the mirror away so that I couldn't see his eyes anymore. He never failed to throw in my face the fact that I didn't go to college. But how could I have when I was pregnant with Jordan?
"As long as you know what you are doing."
"Trust me, Alice. I'm always in control." Daniel tapped the steering wheel with his fingers.
The ride was quick and I almost got lost in the scenic view of orange and red flowered trees passing us by until Daniel stopped the car without a warning.
I steadied myself, after grabbing Daniel’s head rest to steady myself. My attention turned to my fragile son. "Are you fine?"
Jordan nodded, even though he looked deathly pale and trembled as he took in a breath.
"What was that?" I demanded.
"You ask too many questions." This was my husband's reply as he brought out his phone and stared at a message. "I have to turn back."
"We're close, Daniel. You can drop us off and do whatever you need to do."
"Good, then you can walk." Daniel unlocked the car.
"Are you out of your mind?" I screamed.
"Mom?" Jordan covered both of his ears. "Please, keep your voice down."
“Yes, Alice. Consider your son.”
I understood how much screaming affected Jordan. It was one of the reasons I refused to fight with Daniel but this time, my husband asked for it.
"He's your son too. Don't you want him to write his SAT?"
Daniel's looks turned cold. "If he doesn't write it, he's not my son."
"Then drop us at the centre first."
"Tiana just landed at the airport. There is no one to take her home."
"No one?" I almost laughed. "Fine, call one of our fifty drivers."
"You know how I feel about drivers."
Daniel had almost been kidnapped by a driver when he was younger so he had decided that only me or him could drive Jordan. It was mostly me. He also preferred to drive his parents and close friends by himself. Except that Tiana just wasn't any old friend. She was his first love and their love story had been paused by the fact that she went to a different college overseas.
"It doesn't matter how you feel. You have a son now." I reminded him.
"Tiana doesn't have anyone here. She's like my family."
But Tiana was more than a sister to Daniel. I have always had my suspicions but I had never been able to prove that they had rekindled their love relationship.
All I know is that since my husband got Tiana's new contact details he had not been the same. His trips overseas had also increased. That was also when our fights started.
"You can't expect us to find our way. This place is lonely. There are no taxis."
"Get out now! Both of you!"
"At least get one of the drivers to pick us up. You're not seriously going to leave us out in the street right?"
Chapter 3I was wrong about my husband.
He left us on the side of the road and we had to trek towards the school. I could already see my fragile baby slipping. I caught him and placed his hand around my shoulder. Jordan shouldn't be walking this much.
"Honey, let's go home. You can take the exam next year." I told him.
"No. I'm a Valente. A Valente never fails. I have to." There were tears in his eyes.
If there was one thing I could not stand, it was the tears in Daniel's eyes. He tried hard not to cry, but when he did, it was often for a serious reason.
"Please, Jordan. I will speak to your father."
"I will not forgive myself if I don't do this." He stared at his wristwatch. "How far away are we?"
If Daniel were driving us, we would still be about twenty minutes away from the school, but since we were walking, we were two hours away.
Jordan's exams were to start in an hour but I didn't want to tell him how far from the school we were. One of the doctor's directives was that we should always try to keep Jordan emotionally regulated. Never too happy. Never too sad.
But Daniel seemed to be an expert at pressing Jordan' sadness button. Despite my fears, Jordan swallowed whatever Daniel threw his way. I was starting to worry that Jordan would soon reach his limit and there might be no coming back.
His legs buckled underneath me. I could not bear the pain of trying to see him walk when he could have used his wheelchair, but Daniel had driven off with the wheelchair in the backseat despite my yells.
"Stop, Jordan."
He pulled his hand from my neck and still kept limping forward. If there was one thing Jordan inherited from his father other than a full head of hair, it was stubbornness. I had to cave or Jordan would walk himself to death.
"Get on my back."
"Mom?" He turned to me with disbelief. "I'm taller—"
"On my back now." I walked in front of him and bent so he could mount my back. When he was there, I placed my hands under his lap to secure him. "Give me your wristwatch."
"I need it."
"Now, Jordan." I grabbed it from him. I didn't want him focusing on how late we were.
We must've looked funny to anyone who saw us approaching the main gate of the school. A small mother carrying her grown child on her back and running like the hounds of hell were after us. The cold air whipped around us and it must've affected Jordan because he didn't say a word as he tried to steady his breathing.
"Stop right there." One of the security guards said, pulling out a baton.
"He's supposed to be here. His name is Jordan VALENTE. Candidate number 567894." I stopped, looking past the guard towards the empty front yard of the school gate.
"Writing in Hall C." Jordan replied weakly from behind him.
"I'm sorry. We were given strict orders. He can't come in at this time."
I let Jordan come down from my back so I could reach into his backpack to pull out his ID card. I pushed the card to the face of the guard. "Look at it. My son is ready to write the exam."
"He's an hour late."
Jordan begged, as he took his place behind me. “Please, let me write this. That's all I want."
"And he has special needs. Please." I had never appealed for anything using Jordan's sickness, but this time, I needed to. "We've just spent two hours walking here." I put the exam pass in front of the guard as I clasped my hand. "Please, consider."
"The exam was an hour ago. I'm sorry."
At that moment, if Daniel was close to me, I might have strangled him. If we had taken the normal route, even if we had to walk, we would not have walked for so long.
"Please."
"Try again next year." The guard tore Jordan's exam pass.
"Mom!"
I had never heard my son shriek so loud before. So loud that it felt like it was tearing my heart in two. I felt him try to clutch me but fail as his fingers brushed my body.
I turned and found Jordan clutching his heart as he convulsed on the floor. I ran to him and watched as his eyes rolled to the back of his face.
“Call an ambulance!” I yelled at the security guard while I reached for my phone to call Daniel, but when I did, a woman picked up first.